The Questions You're Not Asking: What to Look for in a Couples Therapist

By Union Station Therapy

Most people spend more time researching which car to buy than which therapist to hire. And when your relationship is on the line, that's a problem.

If you're searching for a couples therapist, you're probably asking:

• Are they in-network with my insurance?

• How much do they charge?

• Do they have evening appointments?

  
  

These are reasonable questions. But they're not the right first questions.

Here's what you should actually be asking:

1. "Do you specialize in couples therapy, or is it one of many things you do?"

The brutal truth: 75% of therapists offer couples therapy. Only 10% have actual training in it.

This matters enormously. Couples therapy requires different skills than individual therapy. It requires understanding systems, managing two people's emotions simultaneously, intervening in real-time, and navigating power dynamics.

A therapist who primarily sees individuals and occasionally sees couples does not have the expertise you need.

Ask: "What percentage of your practice is couples? What specialized training do you have?"

Red flag: "I work with a variety of clients and issues."

Green flag: "I work exclusively with couples. I'm Gottman/PACT/EFT trained."

2. "What methods do you use, and what does the research say about them?"

Evidence-based couples therapy has success rates around 85%. But not all approaches are evidence-based.

Ask: "What therapeutic approaches do you use with couples, and can you tell me about the research supporting them?"

Red flag: Vague answers about "creating a safe space for communication."

Green flag: Specific mention of Gottman Method, EFT, PACT, or Developmental Model—and ability to explain why they use that approach.

3. "How will you assess our relationship, and what does that process look like?"

Competent couples therapists use structured assessments—not just conversation—to understand your relationship dynamics.

Ask: "Do you use any formal assessments? How will you determine what we need to work on?"

Red flag: "I'll just get to know you over the first few sessions."

Green flag: "I use the Gottman Relationship Assessment" or "We'll do a thorough intake that maps your attachment styles and conflict patterns."

4. "How long should we expect therapy to take?"

This depends on your level of distress, but research provides guidelines. A therapist who can't give you a research-based estimate doesn't know the literature.

Ask: "Based on what we've told you, how many sessions do couples in similar situations typically need?"

Red flag: "Everyone's different; it's impossible to say."

Green flag: "For moderate distress, research suggests 12-16 sessions. For high conflict, 18-26. For affair recovery, 26-54+."

5. "What happens if therapy isn't helping?"

Good therapists know their limitations and will refer you out if needed.

Ask: "If we're not making progress after a reasonable timeframe, what happens?"

Red flag: Defensiveness or insistence that it's working even when you don't feel it.

Green flag: "We'll check in regularly about progress. If we're stuck, I might suggest a consultation with another specialist or refer you to someone with different expertise."

The Bottom Line

Your relationship is too important to trust to someone who isn't qualified. Don't settle for a therapist just because they're available or affordable.

Ask the hard questions. Demand real answers. Your future depends on it.

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